The End of an Era

I'm done breastfeeding. And I don't know how I really feel about it. I've known for awhile that it would be bittersweet. I'm looking forward to having my body back and some more freedom with my schedule. But I really have loved nourishing my two sons and the sweet, still time with them close. I realized that that nursing them these past few months is the only time I really got to hold them close without squirming or trying to crawl away.

I really am so proud of myself for breastfeeding twins for a year. It was an incredibly painful start and took up more time than I can count, but I would do it all again. It wasn't always convenient and definitely kept us close to home, but it has been so rewarding to know that I have done the best and healthiest thing for each of them that will benefit them the rest of their lives.

It's been more emotional than I thought. I will miss the quiet moments in the morning, stroking their soft, baby hair while they stroke my arm or twist their little hand in my bra strap. I miss the little infant sighs and piglet sounds while they ate. I will miss looking over and seeing their little legs and feet stretched out beside me. Somehow time stood still whenever I breastfed them. They weren't 10 or 11 months old. They were still the tiny newborn babies that I started out with. I'll miss the relaxed feel of them in my arms after they ate while we cuddled. And I think they each learned about patience and taking turns. (Or at least I told myself that every time the other one was crying their head off while waiting to eat.)

And it has not helped that I didn't handle my drying up in the tapered way I should have. I have been weaning them over the course of the last month, but I didn't gradually pumping. Oops. So now here I sit. Boobs the size of Texas with ice packs, cabbage leaves, and embarrassment to go out in public. We are going to Branson for the weekend and I guess I naively thought this could be wrapped up in a week. Not looking likely. But I am getting more comfortable so I'm hopeful I'm moving in the right direction.

I am grateful to BJ for his endless support throughout this nursing journey. He stood by me and encouraged me even when I cried tears of pain and frustration. He woke with me during the nights to distract the waiting baby and swap me when I was ready. He has been more than patient as my body has gone through the most changes it's ever seen and has primarily been the property of our sons.

I'm proud of all of us. We did it!